November 5th 2016


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Articles from this issue:

COVER STORY Hazelwood closure will push up power prices in Victoria

CANBERRA OBSERVED Out of the shadows of the backbench ...

FOREIGN AFFAIRS Obama Administration exacerbates Syria conflict

INDUSTRY AND ENVIRONMENT Wikileaks reveals U.S, funding behind anti-coal campaign

TAIWAN New president cautious, ambivalent towards Beijing

OPINION How to convert citizens into subjects and victims

FINANCE Untangling some knots of international tax

BRITISH AFFAIRS Brexit revisited: courts may come into play

LITERATURE The paradoxical idyll of Tolkien's Shire

HUMOUR Assembled and curated by Sebastian Gunlighter

MUSIC Unresolved melancholies

CINEMA Bittersweet Woody Allan: Cafe Society

BOOK REVIEW From von Ranke to van Gend

BOOK REVIEW More mystery than history

BOOK REVIEW An empire's collapse

LETTERS

NATIONAL AFFAIRS Cardinal rebuts commission's 'Get Pell' campaign

U.S. AFFAIRS First Brexit, now Trump: it's the economy, stupid!

ANALYSIS What is possible to a Trump Whitehouse

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HUMOUR
Assembled and curated by Sebastian Gunlighter




News Weekly, November 5, 2016

BREAKING NEWS

Discovery of the millennium

Gravity Detector. Researchers at NASA, MIT and the ANU using the latest discoveries about the origins of the universe made possible by the Hubble Telescope and deep-space probes to the outer rim of the Solar System, have helped develop a tool that will soon be in every garage across the nation and beyond for its universal applicability.

The simplicity of the concept and elegance of design belie the sophistication of the science that went into its development. The Gravity Detector is a 33-centimetre length of the purest molybdenum, looking a lot like a gauge or ruler. But, when dropped from the hand in the presence of otherwise undetectable gravity, it hits the floor with a warning clang; the louder the clang, the greater the gravity.

“This invention will save lives. It is the ‘penicillin’ of the 21st century.”

NB: Not to be taken internally.

 

Monash philosopher doesn’t exist

Professor David Kelp of the Monash Philosophy Department at the university’s Clayton campus has begun to refuse his salary, will not come out of the cupboard in his office on the ninth floor of the Arts Faculty building and has invited his students to attend any one else’s lectures.

The standoff began on Tuesday October 25, when Kelp declared he had overcome his cartesian scepticism and was utterly convinced as a first principle of all thought that he did not exist. The crisis heightened yesterday when Kelp refused to take food.

A colleague shook his head sadly and commented: “I’ve seen this coming for some time. I hope I get his office.”

Water boils at 100 degrees celsius

Ormond librarian Hal Berlin has confirmed reports that, during the past few weeks, every time he put the kettle on to make himself a cup of coffee, the water boiled at exactly 100 degrees.

He assertained this by inserting a thermometer into the water, watching the mercury rise till it reached the number “100”, and singing the trumpet solo in Bach’s Second Brandenburg Concerto. “This has happened time after time,” said Berlin. “I think I may patent it.”

 

Golly!

Can opener controversy opens can of worms. The details the other media won’t touch in the next issue of News Weekly.

 

CLASSIFIEDS

I, Terence Fergul McCarwash, have two tickets for the Australian Open men’s singles final, front row, net side. Nya nya nya nya nya nya!

 

Media mogul seeks $100 million. Must have good sense of humour and own car. 9001 2021

 

Do you have a swimming award you won in the State Amateur Championships that no one ever notices? Do your dinner guests find you too forthright and lacking in subtlety? Does your wife have a moustache? Does your husband never pick up his socks? Do you have anything you need alluded to? Call Hobson, Greene & Ginger, professional alluders, on 9445 8099. Competitive hourly rates. Mention this ad and get two improvised allusions FREE!

 

Never admit to being wrong again. Gainsaying lessons. Ten-week course through the University of Cudgee Distance Learning facility. Call 5562 0909, fax 5562 9009, email gainsaying@cudgee.edu.au, homing pigeon 41S 124.45W or call in at our campus at Cudgee Creek, Llang Llang Road Bypass, near the cheese factory, Allansford

 

Biggest range of infectious diseases in the southern hemisphere. Dunedar Fookes, specialists in viruses, bacteria, mutations, syndromes and decrepitude. This week’s special: Gonda River Sleepy Sickness. $169.85 per shot. Pickup only. Moonoonga Rocks, Fentalchips Place, The Boogies, Gananda

 

Grin and Bearitt, Auctioneers, announce auction of items from the estate of the late Arthur S. Beowolf, noted antiquarian, Egyptologist and relief lollypop man at Ormond Primary School. Among the items are his Egyptian mummy, his Egyptian first cousin on his daddy’s side, a tin of brilliantine, several combs (perhaps 12th dynasty, perhaps not), a photograph of the continent on which Pablo Picasso is buried, and a five-dollar bill (one of only 100,000,000 printed). Call for complete catalogue and dog biscuits: 9828 5575

 

Private-school twit seeks high-school dropout for kindly patronising. Must like walking in the rain, snorting coke and torturing turtles. Call 051 933 945 and ask for Roland. He’ll come and wake me up

 

 

 

 




























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